Thursday, November 29, 2007

THE WEDDING AT NUMER 18, CLEGG STREET

'Twas a fine foggy day in Septober
The rain it were bucketing down
So I picked up some buckets - and I
flogged 'em outright
To the council for half a crown.

Throug h the drizzle a form come walking
Clad in an old flannel vest
He wore nowt on his feet but bunnions
And a cauliflower pinned to his chest.

"What a man has to do for a living."
He said as he passed slowly by
And I recognized him, it was Acroyd
I could tell by his roving black eye.

'Cos it had roved from his head to his
kneecaps
A nd was stuck there swivelling round;
When lasses walked past it looked up,
aghast
And at other times looked at the ground.

"Ay up lad," I said, "Eh, how are ya?"
He smiled, his teeth blackened and broke
He said, "I'm marrying a lass in the
morning."
I said, "Its better than marrying a
bloke."

So we went to the registry office next
day
On back of bus - 59
The bride was too wide to get up and
ride
So she run like bugg'ry behind.

At Oldham the hill was against us
It was far too steep for the bus
So I held the brides aspidistras
And made it easier for her to push.

To Cheers and Hurrahs she shoved us
Right to the top of the hill
But her eyelashes ran down her face
with sweat
So she'd a tash and mutton chops too.

After the wedding was over
We went to the Clogger's Arms
Where they'd tripe and cow heel and
parkin
Bla ck peas and black puddin' on barms.

The bride cut the cake with her false
teeth
'C os someone'd buggered off with the
knife
But she didn't take care and they
slipped, and flew through the air
Causing buggerations, trouble and
strife.
'Cos they landed on grooms fathers bald
patch
And took a big chunk off his head
So he smashed her in gob with his
hearing aid
And left her in't jelly half dead.

At that the brides mother errupted
Without even excusing herself
And she poked the old fella, with a
silver salt cellar
Which wasn't too good for his health.

Now the nephews and nieces chucked
parkin
And splurted black peas all over t'room
An the in-laws and the out-laws, they
battled like buggery
And the brides mother throttled the
groom.

She were eight foot seven and six foot
wide
And arms on her just like a bloke.
She'd teeth like the holy commandments
Ten of em - every one broke.

I am at that age where I know all I
need to know, but can't always remember
it.

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How to Use Peter Answers

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit
Peter answers is a fun little website in which "Peter" appears to read your mind. Use it to prank your friends or to just have a little fun.

Steps

Visit http://www.peteranswers.com where there are two text boxes: "Insert Petition" and "Insert Question."
Ask your audience for a question. If it's a question you know the answer to, proceed to the next step. If it's a question you don't know the answer to, you can ask them for the answer, telling them that if they say the question and answer out loud, Peter will hear them with his psychic powers. If you don't know the answer, you won't be able to follow the next step, and Peter will answer with a very generic statement like "You shall not doubt of me at all, keep trusting on me and soon I'll answer." In other words, the trick won't work!
Enter text into the petition box. The directions tell you to type in either "Peter, please answer the following question:" or "Peter, please answer:" in the petition box. What your audience doesn't know is that you're telling Peter the answer...
- Note the colon ":" at the end of each of these queries. This is essential because without it, you will not be able to proceed to the question box. Once you type the phrase and enter the colon, your cursor will automatically move to the question box.
- Instead of typing "Peter, please answer the following question:" or "Peter, please answer:" start off your petition with a period followed by the answer you're looking for. For example, if you intend to ask "Why is wikiHow the best how-to manual ever?" then in the petition box you would type.Because it's a group effort
- As you type the answer you're looking for, that's not what you will see showing up in the text box. You will see the standard petition being typed, even though you're typing something completely different. Your audience, however, will have their eyes on the screen and will never suspect that you're giving Peter the answer.
- Your answer should be shorter than one of the standard petitions. When you finish typing the answer, the standard petition will still need to be finished on the screen. In the following screenshot, all that has been typed is ".Because it's a group effort."
- So, after you type the answer, end it with a period. The period will show up as another character of the petition. After the period, however, anything you type will show up on the screen as you type it. Finish whatever is left of the query and send it off with a colon. In this screenshot, the actual typing was ".Because it's a group effort.owing:"
Type in the question. Be sure to end it with a question mark "?". As soon as you enter the question mark, a box will appear with some warnings about privacy. For Peter to answer the question, you'll need to click the "I Accept" button.
Watch as Peter thinks for a second and then displays the answer that you typed. If your audience doesn't know that you typed in the answer, they will be flabbergasted. You can probably keep them amazed for quite a while as long as they don't start paying close attention to what your fingers are actually typing.

Tips

When you're typing in the petition box, it helps to NOT look at the screen, because it can throw you off and make you forget what you're typing. Instead, look down as you type the answer. Only look up after you've typed the period to check how much of the query is finished.
Peter is only as accurate as you are, so if you enter a typo, Peter will answer with a typo, and people will get suspicious pretty quickly. If you think you made a mistake, you can backspace and start again at any point. If you delete all of what you entered, remember to enter a period again to signal to Peter that you're entering the answer. But, deleting everything you entered is not a good idea because people will wonder why you're erasing a perfectly good petition.
If you're typing a short answer, you can save time by completing only the shorter petition phrase (Peter, please answer:)
You can also tell your viewers to stare at the screen so that they can correct any spelling errors that you might make.

Warnings

Peter will accept and display answers that are longer than the petition phrase, but it will be pretty obvious something is up if you continue to type after the screen displays the entire petition phrase. Nothing more will show up once you've reached the end of the phrase. Once in a while, at the bottom instead of the repeating "Peter answers:..." it will say "Emily answers" or another name. No one knows for sure what happens at that point.
As soon as you type a colon ":" the cursor will automatically jump to the question box, even if you haven't finished typing out the petition. This will likely ruin the illusion, so don't accidentally type that colon too soon.

Sources and Citations

PeterAnswers.com

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